{[In]Between}

Glances
spawned thoughts
& thoughts
created grins
to be
shared

while
grins
exposed lingering thoughts
spawned by glances
& glances
expose thoughts
spawned by
shared grins
left lingering

somewhere

~in between~

there

became
the dawning of

me & you

the
dawning
became
somewhere there

~in between~

signals turned
criss crossing
subtle motions
into gentle advances
& gentle motions
turned into advances
somehow criss crossing signals
forming intersections
& while intersections formed

we found
middle ground
&

~in between~

middle ground
we found

us.
--archaic.bliss

Ex-Factor

Me
+
He
=
failed relations
÷
wedding band
on left hand
=
salty me > "happy" he
slicing my emotions
in slithers
savouring
cake
never eating
just inhaling aroma
claiming to want dessert
but much too full
no room for extra fillings [feelings]
yet staring at display drooling

Now let's add things up

He wanna touch me/fuck me
+
go home to the wife
-
emotional attachments
=
no strings attached sex
w/ an ex
forgetting to factor in
my thoughts on the situation

Yeah...

No wonder I hated math..
--archaic.bliss

Brian I'll Miss You :(

I lost a friend today
(Well yesterday the 22nd since its 1207am right now)

When saying goodbye
& see you Monday
it never dawned on me
that would be the last time I'd ever see him.

I left kinda pissed too because PIC was telling me I would nolonger be
on the case due to his insurance declining his services.
It was a load of crap because VNS are dummies & they didn't follow up on
his case properly to ensure he'd have home care services.
Diane was upset too but she held it together (as always)
(Man I wanna learn how to handle things the way she does)

Later that day I got a text saying he was in the hospital
and that she hoped to see me soon.
I decided that if by Monday he was still in there
I'd go see him, tickle his toes and make him laugh like always...

Well...

That didn't happen

...instead I got a text from Diane
announcing his death & how much of a help I was
and that he really enjoyed me.

I just don't get it...

It just seems unreal how people who are in the worst conditions can
always see an upside to everything and just like that they disappear!

I NEVER had hope nor knew how to live like that
nor knew anyone who did. I never saw a reason to be so happy when things
went wrong because I always felt like things were ALWAYS going wrong for
me

...well until I met him

& he was slowly changing
my outlook on life.

Brian was awesome.

In his condition many people would have said
"screw life I want out" or "why God hate me"
or some dramatic kill me now type catch phrase...

...not him

he smiled with puffy eyes
when he woke every morning.
He laughed at me for fussing at his cat Poe when he'd lay on his clean
clothes I'd lay out for him.
He'd blog about his misfortunes and NEVER sound totally bitter about
it.

He dealt with his condition but lived happy
and I used to think that was weird.

How can someone who's been through so much
be in any form of happiness?

I've seen patients complain about having to use a cane!
Nothing really wrong with them but just complaining because they can't
walk as good as they use to.

This man had all forms of illness
& some days couldn't get out of bed
but still somehow found a way to enjoy life!

It was weird and unheard of!

I swear asked myself the first week I started working for him:

How can someone who's appearance has severely changed
still live happy?

And after it all I found the answer:

Indulge in a lot of laughter,
think of every small task as an accomplishment
and surround yourself with love.

Happiness is just around the corner :)

I wish I had more time to tell him what an impact on my life
he and his wife Diane has made. Ever since I've started working there my
temper and thoughts on life has changed.
I even aspire to fall in love again because the love I saw in every kiss
Diane would give warmed my heart.

I wish to love they way they did.

God I must sound like I'm rambling
I'm sorry I'm just a little messed up because
I never got to tell him how much I enjoyed him.

Maybe he knew because of my "pretty feet" jokes
or the concern I always had when he was feeling down after chemo. I just
didn't like seeing him down because it was weird to sense him being
unhappy.

I just find it unfair people have it way better than him and live in
misery yet still get to walk another day on Earth

In all I'm happy that I got to spend any amount of time
in his presence and he will never be forgotten.

He will be missed dearly.
--archaic.bliss

The List

In the fighting spirit of finding the "one" I think I'll make a DO NOT
APPLY IF list in hopes that it will shed light on some rather "gray"
areas.

NO PETTY DOPEBOYS - Hunny I'm not going to lose sleep everynight because
you wanna nickel & dime it up for nothing more than a 40 to 60 dollar
profit nightly. You either give me a big reason or reason ya ass out my
face

NO DL\CONFUSED\EXTRA FEMININE MEN - I'm already emotional what they hell
I need with your gender confused ass? One minute you showing me who's
boss next minute you clutching a pillow tight sniffing my lingering
perfume? Nawwwww playa
(And no this isn't a jab at gays)

NO "SHOULDA WOULDA COULDA" DUDES - Don't expect me to pat you on the
back about your failed attempts at a better life. Shit happens so make
the best of it! Dwelling on a "possible" record deal offered to you at
16 & you now 32 isn't a good look..

NO CABLE ZOMBIE HOUSE NI**GAS! - I promise you this now if you think
I'ma let you sit in ya boxers all day watching TV ... you got another
thing coming brother & its probably a pot to the head!

NO PORN-O-HOLICS - When I roll over to sleep at night I expect to not
awake to the sights & sounds of your extra lubed up shlong enjoying the
view of some chick getting rammed when WE fornicate more than twice a
day! If you need that much sexual stimulation I suggest you apply for a
starring role & fuck off (literally)

NO LAMES\SUPER GEEKS\NEVER BEEN KISSED\MAMAS BOYS - I can't teach you
how to be a man nor how to enjoy the world outside of a 17 inch monitor.
I can't compete with mother & I won't

NO I'VE BEEN HURT & ALL FEMALES ARE THE SAME MOTTO BELIEVERS! - If I
have to compete against all your failed relationships because you on ya
"Jack I'll never let go Whitney Houston from The Bodyguard bullshit...
I'm good

NO MANLAW\CODE OF THE PLAYA HANDBOOK FOLLOWING\I'M A JIGGALO MAKING NO
DOUGH DUDES - You're a walking disease breeding new viruses infecting
the minds of my strong women poisoning them to believe you are as good
as it gets which is CLEARLY NOT THE CASE
NO NO & NO AGAIN TO ALL THE FOLLOWING...

If you judge every move humans make
If you can't name 5 Marvin Gaye songs excluding What's Going On, Sexual
Healing, & Mercy Mercy Me (Ecology) without looking them up
If you feel the need to tell me I need to lose weight
If you think poetry is a waste of time
If you think the word "epiphany" is a code name for some bomb ass bud
If you type like this " $h@wty w@$$ gOOdii3?!?"
If you ugly with an ego as huge as Rich Boy's head
If you have never been but 10 blocks away from your crib
If you think "pulling your dick out" will woo me
If you like to waste other peoples time
If you think money really makes my heart jump & panties drop
If you really think I'm not serious about this list

I'm sorry you have been automatically rejected before hand & I wish you
well on finding the woman who loves you for who YOU are but I'm not
prepared to deal with ya

Thank you for your interest in Candice Townsend & her goodie bag

Have a wonderful life

Ps the list for females coming soon
--archaic.bliss

Sunflowers

Sunflowers...

spreading seeds
across lush lawns
seeding to root
for more blooms

seeds...

falling to be picked
for honey roasted romances
within fires toasting shells

shells...

hardened to protect
soft insides
still always spliting
for moist mouths

Sunflowers
bare seeds
with protective shells
only to become cracked open
devoured and discarded

Sad life

right?
--archaic.bliss

They Pray

Prayers

made

...

they walk
clutching onto
holier than thou faiths
while crosses lay displaced
in wicker baskets placed
on nightstands
hand on bibles
swearing blessed water
will cast the demons
into premature caskets

I've always
been
a
sinner

so why not
become the anti-christ
live my life by my own twisted rules
claiming I'm Christ like
yet Christ was unlike me
still reciting scriptures
w/ split tongues
spiting positives like
double negatives
canceling out the correct word

& even though
I know I'm wrong

I still cast stones
hurling boulders
through glass houses
shattering
ill conceived realities
really not real
just artificially enhanced
to suit one's liking
still suffering
from self inflicted rug burns

haters
always
have to
pray

harder...
--archaic.bliss

Between These Sheets

Between
these sheets
...
we lay
...
always
fondling fantasies

whispering
foreplay

in the
form
of

freaky prose

allowing
bic tips to rest
on top of wide ruled
lines

s p r e a d
o p e n

for personal
{enter}interpretations
on life

anticipating
every coming
stroke

as fingers
get
a
grip

handling
sticky situations
master manipulating
poetry

bending
creativity
over

just to
spank it
...
suppose we
...
scribble sex
on blank sheets
until pens

b*u*r*s*t

inking
ecstasy

leaking
master pieces

would that
mean
we slept
together
through wordplay
while
publicly fornicating
in metaphors
to create
the greatest write
of our lives?
...
If so
write me now
...
I'm waiting
between the sheets
...
lets become
paper mates
...
--archaic.bliss

Passionatly

Ok this has to be one of the best erotics I've ever written in life
There is a song that should be played while reading this because is adds
to the whole mood but it won't play here so :(

But enjoy :)

Our
.
.
.
.
.
bodies
.
writhing in
anticipation
while
sweltering whispers
annunciated within
silent serenades
share
.
sensually seducing
secrets amongst
alluring eyes
.
.
and eventually
.
.
comfy cavities
shall
fluently surrender
succulent trickling
secretions
.
.
saturating
&
slightly liberating
.
.
being
blissfully
romanced
.
.
severely
entranced
.
within
.
resounding echoes
from thundering love claps
giving a round of applause
.
.
[------pause-------]
.
.
{because I like how you}
.
.
diligently study my body
.
intimately
.
passionately
.
stroking
&
shifting
my soul
.
slowly
giving me
tid bits of heaven
.
.
sinning
.
.
while vainly
screaming sweet Jesus
.
fervently swapping sweat
&
reaching higher heights
.
.
together we
exonerate emotions
feeling exalted
knowing
.
.
this is closest
we've ever been to God
...
--archaic.bliss

--Get Over It--

You're pathetic

seriously...

always huffing
& puffing
like a big bad wolf

blowing miniscule
steam

claiming...

I stole
your last
good breath

...whatever

I would guess...

wasting air
on a brick house
would cause
your lungs much
unnecessary stress

...breath again

(deep breath)

this time
.
.
inhale
without
me in mind
.
.
exhale
your depressing
obsession
.
.
begin to leave the
{EX}cess behind

(deep breath)

...your doing fine...

I would say
its now safe
to express
your mind
.
.
but then again
you will only pretend
we never came to an end
& we need to eliminate
these fabrications
for your
heart to mend

(deep breath)

make better attempts
to mentally negate
my existence

practice
makes
perfect

& if you
positively reinforce
simple methods
of self control
to build an
intense resistance
.
.
in an
instant
.
.
results
will begin
to occur

the fine line
between
my reality
& your fantasies

will no longer
remain blurred...
--archaic.bliss

[Aborted Love]

Our possible future
was aborted yesterday
because...
u wouldn't
be daddy
...
playing along
baby sitting
newborn thoughts
of a
me
&
u
so
rambunctiously
requesting
a paternal test
...demanding...
to know when
your ejaculation
met my EMOTIONAL ovaries
somehow
fertilizing LOVE
and
allowing it grow
...
u can't believe
nor admit to such
bullshit
suddenly calling me a bitch...
telling chicks
I'm tripping
and I
was nothing more
than good nut...
such a
fucked up
typical male
denouncing feelings
showing ya ass
and
making a fuss
...
as if the conception
of ROMANCE
doesn't take two
like you couldn't
EVEN see WHY
I was falling for you
got me
looking
like a
FUCKING
fool
...forcefully...
making decisions
thats best
for us both
-thus-
our
possible future
was aborted
yesterday...
because
u
wouldn't be daddy...
and that's the way love goes...
--archaic.bliss

And Sometimes..

Sometimes
in between the opening
& closing off eyelids
I dream of you
...
yes
within blinks
I picture me
& you
reunited
for the first time
& yes
I miss you
as if you've already
been here
...
Sometimes
within sunsets
I yearn for moonlight
so we can mentally moonwalk
in happiness
...
yes
I'd rather spend
my life believing
I'm from outerspace
& hoverboards
really exist
...
if it means
I get to orbit worlds
with you
then a life
trying to phone home
will do just fine
...
but
understand
that sometimes
I tend to miss you
...
like in mornings
when cooking for one
seems so mundane
& when
a song we both love
come running across my mind
or
at times
where no one understands
my madness
...
I sigh
& continue
to go on about my day
in high hopes
that you could be missing me
in the same way
...
I'll pray
...

WriterBlock

Writer's block
...
I sit along its corner
and watch creativity flow
from poets lips freely
...
yet
...
I never
speak
...
I've become
mute
...
silenced
against my will
...
unable to mouth
my emotions clearly
...
and
it hurts
...
my inspiration
no longer wishes
to inspire
...
he rather watch
bodies perspire
...
*sigh*
...
so like a voyeur
I watch from afar
as others fondle metaphors
in fingertips
fingering sticky keys
to ejaculate masterpieces
while I try hard
just to master a piece
...
I wish
I could paint
in living color
swirling vibrant hues
into beautiful context
leaving only clues
on how to blend scattered thoughts
into concepts that break the everyday mold
but as long as I reside on Writer's Block
all of that has been placed on hold

{You}

{You}

couldn't be
more beautiful
beauty
full of innocence

...but...

I sense
I'll corrupt {you}
mistakenly take {you}
for granted after being granted
a chance to dance

...but...

lets not dwell
on negatives
because
I'm more than positive
your a plus
and yeah I tend to lust
after {you} at night
dreams take flight
captivating me til morning sunlight

Ever knew
I find {you}
to be such a delight?

Never been vocal
in spoken form
but when written
hidden riddles are answered
in open book diaries
and if {you} have the time to read
then {you} will indeed
understand

I dig {you}

Die Hard

Envision
this

making
me beg

...all over again...

single handedly
reducing my roars
to simple whimpers
& then
whispering

"Who's in charge now?"

mercilessly contorting
diamond shaped tears
into wordless
motion pictures
with mouths
projecting white noises
then
happily distorting
dreams into emotional
nightmares

...I'm scared of you...

because your
becoming
an addiction
leaving overdosed privates
to acquire a burning conviction
heavily heated
k[needing] you like dough
during sun[rise]
between my thighs

...Your body's calling me...

& mine's
refusing to ignore
the urge to sexually purge
blast & rehash
disfigured dysfunctional functions
of fucking you

This isn't a love poem
I'm painting a picture
of the bitter sweet scent in the air
after we momentarily implode
then explode into scatter brained ex's
exploring dead end roads

...all truths be told...

bad habits die hard
as you get harder
elongating my detox process
by processing penetrations
pumping in promises of tomorrows
never loving me fully today

...but

I can't control the feeling

...so please

forgive me

if I fall in love again...

Cyber---spaced

We are
so
cyber

s p a c e d

& physically

dis
--
con
--
nec
--
ted

so I

have
requested
off tonight

to claim
the copyrights
to our own little
personal domain

Www.lovethroughwires.com

a web page
where we can explore
infinite Internet possibilities

downloading
personal files stored
behind fire walls
now burned
to the ground
by some virus named LOVE
we've allowed it to infect
our memory cache

I granted you
permission

to access
this hard drive
because
you made
{mirco}
moments spent
so {soft}
beneath your fingertips
as you stroke my keys
to type affection
to thee publicly
& if
others pop up
blocking highways
of communication
visually hating
we can shift
the attention
to {alt}er
& expose
their twisted
points of view
& delete
their profiles
with ease

...still

we are
so
cyber

s p a c e d

&
physically

dis
--
con
--
nec
--
ted

so
this token
of my love
will have to do

I

Love

You

Friends...How Many Of Us Have Them?

Yeah I'm about to take some of yall to church.

So these people...always around when the drama begins but always gone
when she gets real. When shit gets hectic and you need to lean. Always
there for the good life, spending cash, tossing back head in laughter.

You have any?
Don't know yet huh?

She's the friend that always say they were thinking about you but never
seems to call or come through. Yet let you mention something they like
such a a free party... o shit now yall in there!

He's the friend that's always around when the nigga aint acting right
and it seems like he has a shot. But let you find a new man...he ghost
out this bitch.

Yeah the chick that always got something to complain about yet aint
doing a damn thing to change the scenery and even when handed the
tools...some kinda excuse pops up and it never gets done

Or that dude that's always broke yet always asking for something from
you never giving you a chance to offer anything to them. Always wishing
for handouts yet aint bringing shit to the table.

The know it all speak it all one. Knows everything and anything yet
don't know how to mind they fucking biz nd be on they own asses about
shit gone wrong in they life. How the fuck you know everything and you
still miserable?

Let talk about the uppity one. You know...knew her from when she/he was
nothing...they found out some new clothes and daily grooming actually
gets them attention and now they "gotta stay on they game because caught
slipping is not an option". They pass judgement on those around them as
if they are Gods. Its a shame what taking off some braces will do to
someone ego.

You have these friends?

Why?

Like seriously if they are such problems in your life why would you want
someone so negative to be around you and plague your everyday living?

Ok granted you knew the person before they became who they are today but
does that give them a right to act or be that way? Have you told them
about themselves at all? Do you think you speaking on things will
promote a form of change?

Try it.

Something Personal

Confession:

Many of you that do know me know I'm something like a prude.
Yes I'm a prude.
Yo don't get me wrong I'll knock ya block off and give you the ride of
ya life when I decide that I'm comfy enough to open my legs to you but
there's something that comes with that.

My heart.

See I don't separate sex from emotions because I feel that having sex is
a very intimate act and very serious way of getting to know someone. I
don't use sex as a stress reliever nor something to pass away the time
because I'm bored we horny and our privates should gyrate.

No I don't have serious sex precalculated sex...it keep it fun and love
the act of making babies...just not with anyone just because my twat got
moist.

Yeah ok so many claim: Oh ya pussy must be dry then because of ya lack
of sex.

Haha.

It is in your eyes and in my eyes I'm not a hot topic amongst multiple
people at a random gathering. Or when someone mention my name I'm not
described by my body parts and fuck faces.

There's another reason I am the way I am.

My mother.
She was nasty. A new dude almost every 2 weeks pounding away at her
daily and loud as shit as me and my little sis slept a room away.
Imagine hearing that every night at the age of 11...and wishing just for
some sleep. How could she? Knowing she had children in the next room be
so rude and disgusting showing no form of respect for her flesh and
blood all for 3 40onuces dick and some pocket money?

How could sex run your life so much that you need it?
Get grumpy and upset without because you haven't been fucked?

Now yes I have friends that require sex more often than most and I
understand their need as long as it doesn't effect someone else
I don't give a hot shit.
But...when you disturb others with your nasty ways (not saying yall all
nasty but you get it) enough is enough.

I swore I would never be like my mother...so in many ways yes I'm
emotionally and phytologically scared into not having sex.

Sue me I guess.

But I'm not going to always be like this and I'm sure that when I offer
myself to someone...it will be one awesome night...and I'll be able to
remember more than how good they fuck...

And It's All Because Of You

Its been 2 months.

2 months since I first saw your huge pretty smile and felt one of the
best hugs of my life.
2 months and when I'm around you I feel like I've known you for years.
We laugh at everything. I love your free spirit and boundless energy.
You enjoy the simple things which I love because its so hard to find
someone like that. Your beautiful inside and out. Your skin seems to
capture the sunrays and display them in a wonderful dark hue that others
would kill to have...hell I'm jealous I'm not that sexy chocolate
color.

In all...

I enjoy you.

I know I'm not vocal when it comes to how I feel about you but honestly
that's because I'm a little scared to throw myself out there due to my
horrid past and plus you just became single again so I know having
someone in ya face about things like this can be such a hassle.

But...I've been thinking lately...

Me playing distant still brings me closer. I still wanna be closer. I
dunno you just smell so good though :( lol. I talk about you with a
smile on my face, I wanna sit home and make you all the good brownies in
the world and just hope...

That you like me as much as I like you.

*sigh*

There's my other confession.

I blame the rain :/

A note for you

Excuse me.

This is a phrase that has been forgotten by mankind. It isn't uttered
when stepping onto a crowded train. It isn't expressed after someone
knocks you out the way to get by.

To hear the words excuse me come from a New Yorker would be like
receiving news that the Knicks aren't so bad and that they made the
second round playoffs.

Its pretty sad watching adults basically run over an old man just to
squeeze into this tiny pocket of air left on a overly crowded 6
train...knowing another will follow in about 7 mins.

Its sad when you watch children disrespect adults by running past them
slapping people with a book bag that's in hand flapping in the wind.

What ever happened to manners?

Serious it makes no sense when people find me to be one of the most
polite people they have met in years. And hell yall know I have the
mouth of a truck driver. But its crazy how far a "thankyou" and "excuse
me" can go.

Try it.

Sadly You People Make Me Laugh.

When I log off...

I really logged off...

I really forgot about the bullshit, the alliances and any other crap that would have lingered in my mind in a time not too long ago. It's amazing how you can walk away from something and still ome back to the same ole shit.

Sigh*

Even when in utter bliss people still have a reason to sit around a keyboard and punch keys vigorously in glee poking fun at someone else life.

Sad,

beacauses this is your life.

As you read and become upset or wonder if I'm speaking to you just take a second to think twice about your short comings and hardships that you have survvived and wished when getting kicked down you were told to stand and walk tall. You speak in such a high regaurd as if wings of an angel sit along your shoulder blades yet your genitals reek of unholy hell.

Its called a life...
at y our age you should have now acquired one or on the path towards gaining one.

You speak of one..
yet we don't beleive you
you need
more
people

to bash
put down
brown nose
double cross
and giggle behind closed doors about

sad thing...

you are or will become someones parent one day

God have mercy on your childs soul.

Rainfall

Its raining.
God it feels good with a nice breeze coming in. If you haven't noticed I have a thing for rain. Put aside I wear a weave and UTTERLY HATE WET SOCK ON MY FEET...I love the rain.

Have you ever had sex in the rain?

Its one of the most intimate things you could do with your partner.
Bodies all glazed and clothes taunt around skin. The cooling sensation that each raindrop leaves behind. Slow passionate strokes....man don't get me started up in here.

Me and my suga used to get real nasty!
(Next Friday reference was just used)


But anyways the rain sounds so calming and makes me reflect on things. Sometimes things that were foggy become very clear.

I lost my best friend.
Maybe I didn't loose her but I'm not sure what to say at this point and time. She making a name for herself and finally being the star I always thought she could be. Finally she's becoming and doing what she was born to do. But with that a price came along because in the midst of her rise....I fell...hard...and kinda feel like she didn't care enough to even notice it nor address it. But then again that's how shit goes sometimes and I'm not upset about it I'm just ..numb about it all.

V...
Thoughtful would be the word I use for this lady.
I'm not quite use to someone who's thoughtful and yet not smothering me all at once. She's a good listener and concerned with my day to day. That's kinda rare to find in a woman. I'm not sure if she digging me and hell I'm still very much in limbo myself with everything but something tells me there much more behind that smile. Still...I'm thinking of her and how sometimes she make me smile.

Ok that was gay. :/

He said forget about him. But I won't. You ever feel like there someone out there who gets you for who you are good bad and ugly? Yeah I think I've found him...but just a little too late. Its alright..we've been friends and will remain friends in our twisted flirty I wanna rape you and then gentle rock you to sleep way. But to forget will mean to erase the fact that there someone out there I made a connection with on a level I haven't been on in quite some time. Nahhhhhhhhhhh...I think ill stay right here.

Now my training is a whole nother' blog for tomorrow.

A Walk In The Park

Why the hell didn't they have any brownies though?

Meanwhile... yesterday was awesome...

I woke up got dressed and went to the park with Yvette today.
Man just to have the sun shining on me felt great. She likes the sun too! Score! We walked, talked, tripped out over the Circus playing SouljaBoy and Beyonce'.
Found out a lot more about her and now I need her to learn how to ride a bike! It just aint right! She had this cute dress on that was just so girly yet classic. Dudes were looking and stuff.

Within such happy moments a fussin was underway. Yeah while I'm out with someone else I'm getting texted and texting away with "her" and became so damn annoyed V noticed. I felt like it was wrong for me to even entertain the bullshit but I did.

I then ignored it all and continued laughing and joking about life. Walked her to the bus stop and waited for her bus.

Came home, took a shower thinking my fat ass was done for the day right? Nah wrong! Roomie comes home and we end up going to the Village.

O
M
G

Nigga when I mean I haven't seen so much ass in my life just walking around me. Pffftttt. Honestly before I would walk in the area and never really notice much of what was going on but o man did I understand shit a lot better now after indulging within my inner homo. Lol. Man it was crazy. We were drunk too because I took vodka sliced mangos and honey threw it in a bottle and shook it up. That shit was smooth.

So we took a nice walk enjoyed ourselves, met up with Swedon's ex and her homies, giggled, eyeballed some more ass and then head one home...well after

After I had to fucking walk 3 blocks looking for a fucking bathroom.
You would think in a gay community there would be a large amount of restaurants with bathrooms. Boy was I fucking wrong.

Meanwhile we came home after being smacked and that was about it.

But it was another awesomely warm day with me being surrounded by people who were good at heart and main interest was to have fun.

You can't go wrong with that.

Chicks.Drinks.And Confusion

So for the past week things been awesome. I pretty much been living a lot more instead of worrying about the details. Hell its been actually kind liberating not having to think before every move was made.

B day plans are all over the place.
My ideal spot would be to go to Atlantic City and chill with my crew and whomever would like to introduce themselves as my "partner".
So far I don't have anyone in mind due to some set backs and miscommunication but eh...such as life like always. I was thinking a Six Flags trip and some dinner but there's so much to do in this big city so eh...

Juicy details!

So I went to a party last night. It was Swedon's (my rommie) homegirl Hazel bday and a couple of people got together and man o man was that some fun. Smell like good poon in the air the whole time. We danced and got smacked acted like assholes and really enjoyed ourselves. Silly me to be surrounded by new and awaiting vag swanging around me to only step outside and call the person who was on my mind to only get a cold tone spoken towards me.
Yeah I was playing myself with that move.
Smooth one Candice.

I'm not even sure what to say to the lady right now because its like she doomed this from jump anyways. And now that it seems my attention not all on her I think she feeling some kinda way about it but just playing the role. As always some wall is drawn up and there no way around it unless she chill out but its whatever...

I'm not gonna play her to the left like that there are just some things we have to work out in order for anything to ever be right.

Maybe there's just too much wrong

Or maybe because...

(I'm stopping that thought because I'm sure if I say that all hell will break loose)

Meanwhile...tomorrow will be a nice day and because of that I wanna take a walk in the park with Yvette. She prob would enjoy that. Also prob buy her some brownies since she like em.

Hey I'm not saying I'm feeling her because honestly I'm not sure about anything right now but I enjoy the company and her love for the simple things in life.

Osiris is a fat ass sitting on my leg and shit.

I wanna color my hair but unsure what to do. Any thoughts or suggestions?

And that's about it for now kids.

And The Results Are In

Its been some days since I've confessed


Ok enough with that...

So it has been bought to my attention that operation Gay has been slowly but surely progressing towards a successful milestone.
Now I'm down to 3 men who I really speak with in my life.
My Dad, Reggie and Jay.

See all the others really didn't hold nor possess anything that would benefit me at this current point in life. Although one got cut off for reasons unexplained to him I'm sure he'll figure out that constantly lying to people will never work for the best. Until then...

I'm unsure of why my ex Steve reappeared and did what he did but its what the hell ever at the end of the day. He wasn't the best for me from jump and will never be and I'm happy I didn't fall into some stupid emotional web of chaos.

Her...

See she and me are fighting and the tension building is bananas.
She's making claims we need to cool down and we haven't been trying to see each other and whatnot. No I haven't because when I did offer they got turned down so I don't even suggest nor gesture towards it anymore. Its whatever. I'm sick of her doubting me.
At the end of the day a chick that barely knew me came to my job and had a date with me quicker than her so that tells me a lot.
Supposedly we are suppose to be chillin out right now thinking on what's going wrong and such. I'm not stressing it though. Whatever happens...happens.

Now Yvette is a cool chick I could get use to. And she knows how to make pizza from scratch. *I think I could love a woman like that*
But...she was a great date and I'm sure I will be speaking of her more.

She knows I wear the pants though...

I start my second job this weekend and pray that I make it through this next month because I'm going to need the strength to make it through.

This weather blows monkey balls. I mean really can I get sunshine already?

And if you didn't know...

Home made baileys be the new drink in the crib these days...

Get with it or get lost.

Welcome To Heartbreak.

Well if no one really understood my reasoning for believing this song was the diary of my life then maybe this blog will clear things up to those who have failed to realize:

I'm fucking lonely as fuck.

I feel like I've wasted the past 5 years of my life.
3 of them with a guy that couldn't even provide for us when shit got hard. A man that wasn't a man but a boy trapped in a mind frame that the Disney channel was the greatest thing since sliced bread.
A man I became visually repulsed by.

The other two years?
In and out of lust with faces and got burned yet again by some dude everyone else believed in.

All this time I've been attempting to find myself in another eyes never catching the reflection of a decaying child.

I'm a child.
I'm not a woman.
I front for everyone in hopes to never be seen for what I truly am...

I have nothing but a roof over my head, my kittens and prob a name full of debts created by those I trusted in my name. I don't have steady friends and always something like a ghost to many. The only major factors in my life are ignorant niggas I clutch onto.


I'm always wrong and I play games to pass the time away and to take focus away from the fact that I'm unhappy and my misery shouldn't be only felt by me.

There's a reason why I don't speak much these days.


I had my poetry but even my love with that go killed due to others actions...now I just write.post.and wonder if its even great enough to share.


My heart hurts...really...

I don't know what I want anymore...

I don't have goals...

I don't have shit.

And at times I can't even express myself because its claimed to be me taking pity on myself when in all realness this is my fucking life.

I live a fucked life.

My faith in love has rapidly decreased and without love in my life I have nothing.

Not exactly love for another person but love for something or passion for something. Without a passion I feel like I have been feeling for the past 2 months.

Lifeless.




Now judge me, make your opinions and pre write the pep talks.

I'm not really trying to hear it right now.


Give me something to believe in more than just myself or something I can do.

And if you can then maybe I'll smile.

Until then...

Fuck That Bitch

Its been coming...


And if that bitch ever got the balls to speak up she would get her face smashed the fuck in anyways.

That's real talk.

The whole time me and him was booed up ya trife ass was in his face acting like a friend when you really wanted to replace me and be me and still bitch you'll never get the praise I had because your a fucking lame bitch play hide and cock tease through the Internet stealing fake ass pics.

Yes I said it and if you got a problem with what I wrote then lick my asscrack on a bad sweaty day with no soap.

The little harlot is a possum eating racoon hunting barefoot on concrete walking bubblegum chewing country bama and she not as hot as she think she is. I don't give a shit what she is to any of you but the bitch aint shit and never finna be shit always thinking someone want her prepubesant body any fucking ways.

And you still talk to the trifling ass whore?
Sadness.

Because after having to hear how lame stupid annoying and everything else you had to say about The Devil...you still gmack with this broad...

I don't give a hot shit on a warm Sunday if that trick get mad about anything I write because I'm a fucking boss and that's how the fuck I roll.


Simple as that.

Stones A Passing

Its morning. Sun barely up and Iysis silly ass knocking around a bowl for her food because she want it NOW. I wake give them early morning breakfast and roll back in bed with a slight pain. Hour later pain becomes worst and I think to self this could be the same shit that happened last time. I throw on some clothes basically crawl downstairs and let Key know I'm going to the hosp. Just like the little boy she is inside she tell me to get dressed because she's coming.

Damn house hubby!

We take a ride to Killer K pain increasing and shit. My side feel like its on fire and I'm fucking moaning in pain like some punk bitch.

I hate that shit.

Then this nurse nigga wanna get mad because I ask him about my iv. Had to scream on a nigga real fast for him to catch some act right in his life.

Come to find out I was passing a kidney stone the whole time.
Daddy came also and helped me think happy thoughts and Key wu-tangs across the room and steals the hospitals battery power for her phone. My doctor was a nice Asian dude and I enjoyed his speedy service and attentiveness.

All in all this was a decent visit to the hospital.

Thanks to everyone who was worried and such and sorry for the scare. I'm still alive and kicking.

I even had enough morphine in me to last a whole 12 hours later.
Shit I'm high off that shit right now nigga.


Lol.

Boy Issues

Issues With Boys

Yeah...this blog may start some shit but I highly don't give no fuck at the moments because at the end of the day I told her I would be up front about how I feel and think.

She has some issues with boys. Every time I turn around so dude in her face troubling her life that she use to talk to and such. Like I just don't get it though...why are these males even an issue if you trying to holla at me? These ghost she has remind me of my own that kept haunting me and now I'm getting rather jealous.

Yes I said that I'm jealous and yall can clown me laters.

But really...
I'm not calling some dude "just a friend" when we use to have make out sessions. And I'm not informing no low life dick that hurt me in the past about a blog that I wrote.

I'm not sure why it happened but it did and I'm confused.

Is she really over the previous dudes in her life
or are they currently playing factors that's hindering us?


Its the thought that I could be battling with her past that's really current that really makes this shit worst.

*Damn Kanye sanging that song while I'm writing this though...lol*

Can't stop having these visions gotta get rid it...

I'm not upset over the blog and happy she blogging...maybe then certain things she can't say to me can be written for me. I'm tight she wrote it and then showed that asshole it was about...meaning she still contacts the damn lame ass nigga. That's what's boiling my blood...

Hmmmm

I'll calm down and rethink all this later.
Right now me and Kanye finna have a moment.

Live As I Live It

Well this will be more of an update as to how I'm living and doing now that I'm totally on my own.

I live in Flatbush as many of you should know by now. I stopped working at Century 21 and now work at AMC. I waiting for a training course on the 17th to be a home health aid. So yes I'm on my grind yet again.

I'm currently single. Talking to someone who seems like a winner although...sometimes she makes my head hurt much. She cute seems distant for her own reasons and that's about all I wish to say right now about her.To be honest I would like to not be single and be taken. I don't do well in limbo and tend to ruin shit here. But in limbo I sit.


I'm happy with my choices in life so far for this year. I lost so baggage that was needed and closed many old doors I held open hoping certain people would walk back through them. I guess because now my tone is short and un-inviting that I'm now considered rude.

I make a mistake this year though and that was attempting to get back with someone who's life was in turmoil. My life took a turn as well being with them but within that I found out something that saved my life down the line.

I found out I had a cluster of cyst on my ovaries and that's why I was bleeding and having complications all of last year. This explains my sleeping and eat habits along with dizzy spells and everything else under the sun. And now taking meds and such I'm a bit better in health.

I hate Akeem Andre Reid for everything he has done to me and will always hate him.
(Don't ask)

Me and my mother have started back talking after a 10 year silence. Things are running pretty smooth and I think slowly things could get better but it will not change what damage has been done. We start over and begin anew.

I found my brother...and for the first time seen my other nephew.
That touched my heart and made me feel like a million bucks.

My dad seems to be growing weaker in the knees every day that pass along. I'm scared that by 2015 he will be wheelchair bound. I'm not sure what's going to happen when that happens but I hope and pray that's not going to be the case. Either way he helps me out with things here and there and I love him for that.

My sister...lets not get me started on her ass right now.


My crew?

Well my rommie Keya is an awesome chick who loves the ladies and drinking. All about her cash and always willing to help someone in need she's my inside spouse. Lmbao. We have two children(my kittens) named Osiris and Iysis. She's cool.

Cat seems much more mia these days due to her plans to take over that world with a shot of Remy in one hand and a mic in the other. Still she's on the team and I'm just hoping she would be around a bit more.

Val...yes I said Val...is my other midget friend who's quest for love hasn't ended...it has just began...but anyways she's cool we chill I drink she talks and so and so on. Prob one of the funniest niggas you'll know besides me.

That's my inner three...

I still speak to Cecil and as of late a lot more about relationships and his man whoring ways (go figure he became cold hearted and whorish after me and him broke up)

Other than that...co workers make my days at work go by faster and that's the end of this blog.


You have been updated.

Ps.


FRANK I FUCKING HATE YA G1 BECAUSE WHEN YOU WERE ON THE KICK WE COULD TALK BETTER NOW YOU ON THIS GEIGH ASS G1 AND IT SUCKS AND HOW CAN I BE ME WITHOUT MY MALE TWIN AROUND SON?


Lol.

Attempts To Be Different

I'm trying...

I'm never really sure what to think and such about this. At snails pace we move along. Normally by now someone would be hella hype to speak with me...calling me every day and night...talking for long hours sharing interest and such.

Things with this one...different.
Not really in a bad way but things are different in ways I've never experienced. I'm really not sure what this is.

Meanwhile I need a date to The Roots concert. The last time I went to a concert of theirs I was in tears crying because they touched my soul with music. And of course the house hubby loves the damn The Roots and shall be on it like I am.
*sigh* now why can't I have a wifey like that? Is it really that hard? Blah lemme stop now before...

I might end up going with someone else and I'm not sure how she's going to take it. Ill let her know before anything and make sure she understands its a date. I'm sure she will understand and if not then I can't really do shit else about that because I wanna go out. I wanna have fun and if its not with her then I guess someone else can tag along.

Am I wrong for wanting company?

I know she can't come and we spoke on how she hasn't really got a chance to listen to The Roots much so...ill search for someone who shares that interest and enjoy myself


Lets hope all goes well.

Within Her Grasp

I sit with bated breath...

See she doesn't understand that when I have to chase someone down for something that I think shouldn't be such a hassle... I tend to just forget it and let things build like beats until the explode.

Yes very wrong to do...but that's what I do after repeating myself more than once. ( I hate repeating myself more than twice)
There are things she's never going to understand about me and there are things I'm never going to understand about her due to the fact I haven't lived a life like hers since I was 10.

I wish to be with someone who's free to be who they are and do as they please. Yet still because I feel that she may possess fine qualities and morals that are lost in todays society I fight and struggle to overcome "her shortcomings" according to my so called standards.

I'm still trying to deal.

My current want:

To be in a successful relationship where I'm comfortable to be me and my partner feels the same. I'm sick of becoming bored with people...sick of always picking at flaws trying to find ways out of things. I just wanna do this already and chill. But I'm not going to settle for half when I'm sure I can have it all. Yes I question her motives due to actions that tend to speak some words her font refuse to utter. Yes I have a worry that I can end up some failed experiment. There are many things I fear but I'm trying to see pass all that.


This past week hasn't been great...


But I'll look forward to a better day.

A New Dawning

There are many things that have changed about me after my quest for happiness.

Still finding myself I never found hapiness because what I was searching for was perfection.

To live a life where my mind.body.soul connected and stayed in perfect harmony. We all dream to live lifes like that but in reality dreams don't always come true.

Still I remain unbittered...

I'm unsure what bekon of hope I have still lighting the pathways of lover lane b ut I continue to walk towards whomever is at the end of tunnel.

Jaded?

No

Actually I'm a lot better now that old demons and caspers haunt me much less at night.

However I have yet again regressed within my shell of "life of a loner" I prefer things this way for now. I have now accepted my choice in life to pursue women.

That's another blog though.

My home life consist of work, playing with my kittens, making plans for my future, drinking with my rommies, and really not stressing the bullshit.

My poetry has taken a seat back due to random wild events of drama. Ever since my passion to write has decreased daily. Slowly it dwindles towards the end of the wick but I'm sure I'll find a way to keep the fire burning.

Anyways that's the end of this one.