Rainfall

Its raining.
God it feels good with a nice breeze coming in. If you haven't noticed I have a thing for rain. Put aside I wear a weave and UTTERLY HATE WET SOCK ON MY FEET...I love the rain.

Have you ever had sex in the rain?

Its one of the most intimate things you could do with your partner.
Bodies all glazed and clothes taunt around skin. The cooling sensation that each raindrop leaves behind. Slow passionate strokes....man don't get me started up in here.

Me and my suga used to get real nasty!
(Next Friday reference was just used)


But anyways the rain sounds so calming and makes me reflect on things. Sometimes things that were foggy become very clear.

I lost my best friend.
Maybe I didn't loose her but I'm not sure what to say at this point and time. She making a name for herself and finally being the star I always thought she could be. Finally she's becoming and doing what she was born to do. But with that a price came along because in the midst of her rise....I fell...hard...and kinda feel like she didn't care enough to even notice it nor address it. But then again that's how shit goes sometimes and I'm not upset about it I'm just ..numb about it all.

V...
Thoughtful would be the word I use for this lady.
I'm not quite use to someone who's thoughtful and yet not smothering me all at once. She's a good listener and concerned with my day to day. That's kinda rare to find in a woman. I'm not sure if she digging me and hell I'm still very much in limbo myself with everything but something tells me there much more behind that smile. Still...I'm thinking of her and how sometimes she make me smile.

Ok that was gay. :/

He said forget about him. But I won't. You ever feel like there someone out there who gets you for who you are good bad and ugly? Yeah I think I've found him...but just a little too late. Its alright..we've been friends and will remain friends in our twisted flirty I wanna rape you and then gentle rock you to sleep way. But to forget will mean to erase the fact that there someone out there I made a connection with on a level I haven't been on in quite some time. Nahhhhhhhhhhh...I think ill stay right here.

Now my training is a whole nother' blog for tomorrow.

A Walk In The Park

Why the hell didn't they have any brownies though?

Meanwhile... yesterday was awesome...

I woke up got dressed and went to the park with Yvette today.
Man just to have the sun shining on me felt great. She likes the sun too! Score! We walked, talked, tripped out over the Circus playing SouljaBoy and Beyonce'.
Found out a lot more about her and now I need her to learn how to ride a bike! It just aint right! She had this cute dress on that was just so girly yet classic. Dudes were looking and stuff.

Within such happy moments a fussin was underway. Yeah while I'm out with someone else I'm getting texted and texting away with "her" and became so damn annoyed V noticed. I felt like it was wrong for me to even entertain the bullshit but I did.

I then ignored it all and continued laughing and joking about life. Walked her to the bus stop and waited for her bus.

Came home, took a shower thinking my fat ass was done for the day right? Nah wrong! Roomie comes home and we end up going to the Village.

O
M
G

Nigga when I mean I haven't seen so much ass in my life just walking around me. Pffftttt. Honestly before I would walk in the area and never really notice much of what was going on but o man did I understand shit a lot better now after indulging within my inner homo. Lol. Man it was crazy. We were drunk too because I took vodka sliced mangos and honey threw it in a bottle and shook it up. That shit was smooth.

So we took a nice walk enjoyed ourselves, met up with Swedon's ex and her homies, giggled, eyeballed some more ass and then head one home...well after

After I had to fucking walk 3 blocks looking for a fucking bathroom.
You would think in a gay community there would be a large amount of restaurants with bathrooms. Boy was I fucking wrong.

Meanwhile we came home after being smacked and that was about it.

But it was another awesomely warm day with me being surrounded by people who were good at heart and main interest was to have fun.

You can't go wrong with that.

Chicks.Drinks.And Confusion

So for the past week things been awesome. I pretty much been living a lot more instead of worrying about the details. Hell its been actually kind liberating not having to think before every move was made.

B day plans are all over the place.
My ideal spot would be to go to Atlantic City and chill with my crew and whomever would like to introduce themselves as my "partner".
So far I don't have anyone in mind due to some set backs and miscommunication but eh...such as life like always. I was thinking a Six Flags trip and some dinner but there's so much to do in this big city so eh...

Juicy details!

So I went to a party last night. It was Swedon's (my rommie) homegirl Hazel bday and a couple of people got together and man o man was that some fun. Smell like good poon in the air the whole time. We danced and got smacked acted like assholes and really enjoyed ourselves. Silly me to be surrounded by new and awaiting vag swanging around me to only step outside and call the person who was on my mind to only get a cold tone spoken towards me.
Yeah I was playing myself with that move.
Smooth one Candice.

I'm not even sure what to say to the lady right now because its like she doomed this from jump anyways. And now that it seems my attention not all on her I think she feeling some kinda way about it but just playing the role. As always some wall is drawn up and there no way around it unless she chill out but its whatever...

I'm not gonna play her to the left like that there are just some things we have to work out in order for anything to ever be right.

Maybe there's just too much wrong

Or maybe because...

(I'm stopping that thought because I'm sure if I say that all hell will break loose)

Meanwhile...tomorrow will be a nice day and because of that I wanna take a walk in the park with Yvette. She prob would enjoy that. Also prob buy her some brownies since she like em.

Hey I'm not saying I'm feeling her because honestly I'm not sure about anything right now but I enjoy the company and her love for the simple things in life.

Osiris is a fat ass sitting on my leg and shit.

I wanna color my hair but unsure what to do. Any thoughts or suggestions?

And that's about it for now kids.

And The Results Are In

Its been some days since I've confessed


Ok enough with that...

So it has been bought to my attention that operation Gay has been slowly but surely progressing towards a successful milestone.
Now I'm down to 3 men who I really speak with in my life.
My Dad, Reggie and Jay.

See all the others really didn't hold nor possess anything that would benefit me at this current point in life. Although one got cut off for reasons unexplained to him I'm sure he'll figure out that constantly lying to people will never work for the best. Until then...

I'm unsure of why my ex Steve reappeared and did what he did but its what the hell ever at the end of the day. He wasn't the best for me from jump and will never be and I'm happy I didn't fall into some stupid emotional web of chaos.

Her...

See she and me are fighting and the tension building is bananas.
She's making claims we need to cool down and we haven't been trying to see each other and whatnot. No I haven't because when I did offer they got turned down so I don't even suggest nor gesture towards it anymore. Its whatever. I'm sick of her doubting me.
At the end of the day a chick that barely knew me came to my job and had a date with me quicker than her so that tells me a lot.
Supposedly we are suppose to be chillin out right now thinking on what's going wrong and such. I'm not stressing it though. Whatever happens...happens.

Now Yvette is a cool chick I could get use to. And she knows how to make pizza from scratch. *I think I could love a woman like that*
But...she was a great date and I'm sure I will be speaking of her more.

She knows I wear the pants though...

I start my second job this weekend and pray that I make it through this next month because I'm going to need the strength to make it through.

This weather blows monkey balls. I mean really can I get sunshine already?

And if you didn't know...

Home made baileys be the new drink in the crib these days...

Get with it or get lost.

Welcome To Heartbreak.

Well if no one really understood my reasoning for believing this song was the diary of my life then maybe this blog will clear things up to those who have failed to realize:

I'm fucking lonely as fuck.

I feel like I've wasted the past 5 years of my life.
3 of them with a guy that couldn't even provide for us when shit got hard. A man that wasn't a man but a boy trapped in a mind frame that the Disney channel was the greatest thing since sliced bread.
A man I became visually repulsed by.

The other two years?
In and out of lust with faces and got burned yet again by some dude everyone else believed in.

All this time I've been attempting to find myself in another eyes never catching the reflection of a decaying child.

I'm a child.
I'm not a woman.
I front for everyone in hopes to never be seen for what I truly am...

I have nothing but a roof over my head, my kittens and prob a name full of debts created by those I trusted in my name. I don't have steady friends and always something like a ghost to many. The only major factors in my life are ignorant niggas I clutch onto.


I'm always wrong and I play games to pass the time away and to take focus away from the fact that I'm unhappy and my misery shouldn't be only felt by me.

There's a reason why I don't speak much these days.


I had my poetry but even my love with that go killed due to others actions...now I just write.post.and wonder if its even great enough to share.


My heart hurts...really...

I don't know what I want anymore...

I don't have goals...

I don't have shit.

And at times I can't even express myself because its claimed to be me taking pity on myself when in all realness this is my fucking life.

I live a fucked life.

My faith in love has rapidly decreased and without love in my life I have nothing.

Not exactly love for another person but love for something or passion for something. Without a passion I feel like I have been feeling for the past 2 months.

Lifeless.




Now judge me, make your opinions and pre write the pep talks.

I'm not really trying to hear it right now.


Give me something to believe in more than just myself or something I can do.

And if you can then maybe I'll smile.

Until then...

Fuck That Bitch

Its been coming...


And if that bitch ever got the balls to speak up she would get her face smashed the fuck in anyways.

That's real talk.

The whole time me and him was booed up ya trife ass was in his face acting like a friend when you really wanted to replace me and be me and still bitch you'll never get the praise I had because your a fucking lame bitch play hide and cock tease through the Internet stealing fake ass pics.

Yes I said it and if you got a problem with what I wrote then lick my asscrack on a bad sweaty day with no soap.

The little harlot is a possum eating racoon hunting barefoot on concrete walking bubblegum chewing country bama and she not as hot as she think she is. I don't give a shit what she is to any of you but the bitch aint shit and never finna be shit always thinking someone want her prepubesant body any fucking ways.

And you still talk to the trifling ass whore?
Sadness.

Because after having to hear how lame stupid annoying and everything else you had to say about The Devil...you still gmack with this broad...

I don't give a hot shit on a warm Sunday if that trick get mad about anything I write because I'm a fucking boss and that's how the fuck I roll.


Simple as that.

Stones A Passing

Its morning. Sun barely up and Iysis silly ass knocking around a bowl for her food because she want it NOW. I wake give them early morning breakfast and roll back in bed with a slight pain. Hour later pain becomes worst and I think to self this could be the same shit that happened last time. I throw on some clothes basically crawl downstairs and let Key know I'm going to the hosp. Just like the little boy she is inside she tell me to get dressed because she's coming.

Damn house hubby!

We take a ride to Killer K pain increasing and shit. My side feel like its on fire and I'm fucking moaning in pain like some punk bitch.

I hate that shit.

Then this nurse nigga wanna get mad because I ask him about my iv. Had to scream on a nigga real fast for him to catch some act right in his life.

Come to find out I was passing a kidney stone the whole time.
Daddy came also and helped me think happy thoughts and Key wu-tangs across the room and steals the hospitals battery power for her phone. My doctor was a nice Asian dude and I enjoyed his speedy service and attentiveness.

All in all this was a decent visit to the hospital.

Thanks to everyone who was worried and such and sorry for the scare. I'm still alive and kicking.

I even had enough morphine in me to last a whole 12 hours later.
Shit I'm high off that shit right now nigga.


Lol.

Boy Issues

Issues With Boys

Yeah...this blog may start some shit but I highly don't give no fuck at the moments because at the end of the day I told her I would be up front about how I feel and think.

She has some issues with boys. Every time I turn around so dude in her face troubling her life that she use to talk to and such. Like I just don't get it though...why are these males even an issue if you trying to holla at me? These ghost she has remind me of my own that kept haunting me and now I'm getting rather jealous.

Yes I said that I'm jealous and yall can clown me laters.

But really...
I'm not calling some dude "just a friend" when we use to have make out sessions. And I'm not informing no low life dick that hurt me in the past about a blog that I wrote.

I'm not sure why it happened but it did and I'm confused.

Is she really over the previous dudes in her life
or are they currently playing factors that's hindering us?


Its the thought that I could be battling with her past that's really current that really makes this shit worst.

*Damn Kanye sanging that song while I'm writing this though...lol*

Can't stop having these visions gotta get rid it...

I'm not upset over the blog and happy she blogging...maybe then certain things she can't say to me can be written for me. I'm tight she wrote it and then showed that asshole it was about...meaning she still contacts the damn lame ass nigga. That's what's boiling my blood...

Hmmmm

I'll calm down and rethink all this later.
Right now me and Kanye finna have a moment.

Live As I Live It

Well this will be more of an update as to how I'm living and doing now that I'm totally on my own.

I live in Flatbush as many of you should know by now. I stopped working at Century 21 and now work at AMC. I waiting for a training course on the 17th to be a home health aid. So yes I'm on my grind yet again.

I'm currently single. Talking to someone who seems like a winner although...sometimes she makes my head hurt much. She cute seems distant for her own reasons and that's about all I wish to say right now about her.To be honest I would like to not be single and be taken. I don't do well in limbo and tend to ruin shit here. But in limbo I sit.


I'm happy with my choices in life so far for this year. I lost so baggage that was needed and closed many old doors I held open hoping certain people would walk back through them. I guess because now my tone is short and un-inviting that I'm now considered rude.

I make a mistake this year though and that was attempting to get back with someone who's life was in turmoil. My life took a turn as well being with them but within that I found out something that saved my life down the line.

I found out I had a cluster of cyst on my ovaries and that's why I was bleeding and having complications all of last year. This explains my sleeping and eat habits along with dizzy spells and everything else under the sun. And now taking meds and such I'm a bit better in health.

I hate Akeem Andre Reid for everything he has done to me and will always hate him.
(Don't ask)

Me and my mother have started back talking after a 10 year silence. Things are running pretty smooth and I think slowly things could get better but it will not change what damage has been done. We start over and begin anew.

I found my brother...and for the first time seen my other nephew.
That touched my heart and made me feel like a million bucks.

My dad seems to be growing weaker in the knees every day that pass along. I'm scared that by 2015 he will be wheelchair bound. I'm not sure what's going to happen when that happens but I hope and pray that's not going to be the case. Either way he helps me out with things here and there and I love him for that.

My sister...lets not get me started on her ass right now.


My crew?

Well my rommie Keya is an awesome chick who loves the ladies and drinking. All about her cash and always willing to help someone in need she's my inside spouse. Lmbao. We have two children(my kittens) named Osiris and Iysis. She's cool.

Cat seems much more mia these days due to her plans to take over that world with a shot of Remy in one hand and a mic in the other. Still she's on the team and I'm just hoping she would be around a bit more.

Val...yes I said Val...is my other midget friend who's quest for love hasn't ended...it has just began...but anyways she's cool we chill I drink she talks and so and so on. Prob one of the funniest niggas you'll know besides me.

That's my inner three...

I still speak to Cecil and as of late a lot more about relationships and his man whoring ways (go figure he became cold hearted and whorish after me and him broke up)

Other than that...co workers make my days at work go by faster and that's the end of this blog.


You have been updated.

Ps.


FRANK I FUCKING HATE YA G1 BECAUSE WHEN YOU WERE ON THE KICK WE COULD TALK BETTER NOW YOU ON THIS GEIGH ASS G1 AND IT SUCKS AND HOW CAN I BE ME WITHOUT MY MALE TWIN AROUND SON?


Lol.

Attempts To Be Different

I'm trying...

I'm never really sure what to think and such about this. At snails pace we move along. Normally by now someone would be hella hype to speak with me...calling me every day and night...talking for long hours sharing interest and such.

Things with this one...different.
Not really in a bad way but things are different in ways I've never experienced. I'm really not sure what this is.

Meanwhile I need a date to The Roots concert. The last time I went to a concert of theirs I was in tears crying because they touched my soul with music. And of course the house hubby loves the damn The Roots and shall be on it like I am.
*sigh* now why can't I have a wifey like that? Is it really that hard? Blah lemme stop now before...

I might end up going with someone else and I'm not sure how she's going to take it. Ill let her know before anything and make sure she understands its a date. I'm sure she will understand and if not then I can't really do shit else about that because I wanna go out. I wanna have fun and if its not with her then I guess someone else can tag along.

Am I wrong for wanting company?

I know she can't come and we spoke on how she hasn't really got a chance to listen to The Roots much so...ill search for someone who shares that interest and enjoy myself


Lets hope all goes well.